Mike-ro-scopes - Spring 2008

Updated by Popular Demand....

Meet Me at Mikes own TRUE LIFE horoscopes!
Honest. We consulted our yogi re these. Ignore at your peril...

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Aries
Wigwams. Have you forgotten how important wigwams are to you? Don't you remember when you were a wee tacker - and sunny Spring days involved some feathers in your hair and a Mum-made tee pee on the back lawn. And cordial. Remember you used to have a plastic drink bottle full of cordial - with a bit of ice pushed in for good luck? And it used to rattle around and smell a bit like bananas? Well, get back to the wigwam, Aries. Stick some feathers in your hair and make inappropriate whooo-whooo-whooo noises. And put some stripes of lippy on your cheeks for good measure. It's WigWam Week for you, Aries. Sans hatchet, of course.

Taurus
Taurus - you're no bull. Really. You've had a bit of a bum rap with the whole bull branding and it's got to stop now. Show everyone your true colours. You're not about horns. You, my dear, are about breakdancing. You know it's true. You know you want to. And do you know what, you CAN. Take that pillow off the dining chair - yes.. undo the little tie on bits - and put it on the floor. Keep the good side up - i think there's some biscuit crumbs down there.... Kick the pouffe into the corner, roll back the flokati. Now bust a move and spin on your head. You can do it! Because you DON'T have horns holding you back. Break, Taurus, Break. Spin. Krump. Pop and Moon(walk). You're no bull. You're Rock Steady.

Gemini
Remember yesterday - when you passed that dumpster with the blue umbrella in it. Discarded like an old sock, that umbrella was. And remember how you thought... 'Life is Like Old Socks and Broken Umbrellas'. Remember that. Well Gemini - slap yourself in your faces, because it's time to wise up. Life is like a Blue Umbrella - but not a broken one. Life is like a Blue Umbrella with Cute Little Elephants on it. And you are Mary Poppins, Gemini. Grab that Umbrella and Float cute elephants through your day in the Poppins way. Banish that 'Old Sock' Spin and fly, Gemini -being sure to avoid power lines and low flying sea-birds.

Cancer
Unfortunate by name only, it's a great week for Cancerians. You should be packing the boot of your car with baguettes and wine and pate and wicker containers and gingham things - because it's Picnic Week for Cancer! Oh Hurrah! Crack out the Rubber Backed Rug! The planets have aligned, the eclipses have eclipsed, the stars are synchronised and you, my friend, are all set for a week of thermos toting frivolity. (If you do not fulfil this outdoorsy mission within seven days - the charts dictate a large meteor may burst into your 'good room' and ruin your settee. So Picnic. Picnic hard. Or you'll be in heaps o trouble.)

Leo
Oh lovely maned one - this week i see something of great importance. I see your life is finding it's true niche. Your MAIN thing - so to speak. And we know that all Leos have mane things - so that's great that the hairy part is working out for you, Leo, isn't it? But I digress - you must be sure to know what you are doing this week. Consult Google. Pose the question 'What Am I Doing?' and leave it up to the universe to come up with the answer. When I myself did this - i was lead to a page which said 'I'm Feeling Bloated and Gerdy'. Gerdy was a famous surgeon in the 1800s who had various body parts named for him, none of which was a mane. So affirm yourself this week. You and your mane are neither gerdy nor bloated and that is something to celebrate. PLUS - you're not French. And it's not 1800.

Virgo
I'm worried, Virgo. I'm worried that you are working too hard. Don't you think it's time to have a bit of fun. Don't you think it's time to comb your hair just so, dab on a bit of rouge, wiggle your hips and put on your boogie shoes? Frost those fingernails, slap on some scent, glimmer with some glitter and DANCE Virgo.... It's your time to shine. Tomorrow may be too late - your stars indicate a Giant Snail is approaching, metaphorically of course, and if you choose the wrong path you may be floundering in it's shimmery, snotty trail for the rest of the month. Avoid this at all costs. Lycra up and Limbo down Virgo - for that kind of shimmer is not pretty.

Libra
Ah the scales. The scales are swinging haphazardly, Libra. They are weighted with peaches and plums. They are urging you to embrace the Springtime niceness. They want you to breathe deep, buy sugar, make jam. They want you to boil and test and skim and spoon. They want you to take big spoonfuls of homemade jam and plop them onto fresh scones. And they want you to bring those scones, festooned with Chantilly Cream.... to Mikes. I really truly swear this is the truth, Libra. Your life is the promise of Summer Fruit, Libra - and you will ultimately decide betwixt burnt pot and ruby jelly. Yes you will. You will decide. Choose wisely.

Scorpio
Scorpio. You are fierce, You are fiery. You are loud. You are brash. You are MC HAMMER in red parachute pants - jerking and crumping and being all funky and street. People love you, Scorpio. They admire your confidence. They fear your sting. And they know that you are one of the shiny people. Yes. The shiny people. They are the people who have a little light around them, sometimes red, sometimes yellow.... and they draw others to them, like moths to the flame. But not Emperor Gum Moths - they are dusty and fuzzy and thwacky and awful. Pretty nice moths that really look more like butterflies. Those are your kind, Scorpio. And you are a superstar. Shiny Shiny Superstar.

Sagittarius
Lovely Sagittarius. Sweet Sag. You are a dear heart - and not the least bit saggy. The stars remind me today that September is your month of forgetfulness. Rented DVDS, Slow Cooked Stews, Birthdays, Soft Boiled Eggs - all will suffer at your hands this month, poor Sag. My advice to you is a string. Yes - a wee piece of string tied around your wrist for the month will remind you that you forget. And then you won't forget, will you? Unless you forget what the string's for - but that's just silly. Take a leaf out of the People magazine and stick with the red string. For we all know, the Kabbalah is really the Society for Forgetful Sagittariuses, don't we?!

Capricorn
Its a big week for Capricorn. Mountains to climb, sherpas to keep in line, sticks to whittle, lentils to bubble, cardboardy bread to chew. Take stock of all that you want to do - and then add 5 more things to the list, Capricorn. You can achieve anything, and breathe at high altitudes. You can wear leiderhosen and play the fife if you like. Make the most of that. Aim high and great things will come of it - but don't forget that tall poppies can attract unwanted attention from drug cartels. So aim A BIT high and no one will get hurt. (And remember that the sherpas got you where you are today - so give them the softer bits of cardboard with their lentils, won't you.)

Aquarius
Glass half full? Well I've got news for you, Aquarius. You've missed a whole(!) lot of other positives this month. How about these: Swiss Cheese - not cheese with holes, but rather HOLES WITH CHEESE! Brilliant! How about: Donuts - HOLES WITH CAKEY CINNAMON TRIM! Brilliant! Or even: Spaghetti O's - DELICIOUS HOLES WITH BONUS SPAGHETTI! Brilliant. It's all about HOLES, Negative Space and Perspective for you this month, Aquarius. So look for hidden treasure where ever you may go. Things are not as they seem. There is good all around. Beware trap doors.

Pisces
Okay - I'm a Pisces. So this one is going to be extra good for us fish people... Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Everything will be easy from now on. Problems will melt away. Money will grown on trees. Pisces you will also discover that in a parallel universe, Chevy Chase (circa 1973) is your boyfriend (and does not have any illicit habits). He will regale you with jokes and intelligent conversation and do the dishes every night. Your car will register itself. People will smile a lot more in your life. You will find a secret op shop outside your lounge room door that has all the best things and is only ever visited by people with bad taste who like new things.

Also:
2007 Mike-ro-scopes
Walruses and Wee

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